A surge of stress has overcome me these days which rarely ever happens...my best friend has changed, my plans have changed and my lease ends September 16th. The next step is unclear.
I focused the past four years of my life mainly on one thing--dance. I fostered an even deeper love of this art form more than I could ever imagine. I risked relationships, lost the person I loved the most and moved extremely far away from my family all for this one thing. And what am I doing now you ask? Four years later, magna cum laude graduate with a bachelors degree in dance, I'm dancing. I'm in a professional dance company and totally happy about it despite all the hardships and heartache that went along with it. To me, it's worth it. Anything that makes you happy is worth it in the end. But let's be real this can't support me forever, because it barely does now. Even the big time dancers dancing in more familiar dance companies in New York City have second or more jobs to be able to support themselves.
I don't regret going to school for dance. I'm forever grateful my parents granted me the opportunity to study dance in college, probably knowing full well I'd graduate and and be broke with a dance degree. Here I am a year after graduating college and totally unsure of where I'm heading career wise. I've played around with the thought of many careers such as things from being a nurse, an EMT, a midwife to things such as being a nutritionist. But going back to school for these things takes time and money and after spending so much time focused on dance it's hard to tell what I really want. I thought for awhile I wanted to be a nurse but after volunteering in the cardiac unit at the hospital I saw the sickly cycle of heart attack victims going through surgery just to be fed with the same crap that got them there and then told to take medication for the rest of their lives. Don't get me wrong, nurses are amazing. Just not the job for me.
The problem is, is that I don't know what the job for me is and I don't know what it is I want. If I knew, I'd go at it with full force. You see I'm the kind of person that goes for things. Even though I can sometimes be an introvert and shy with strangers from time to time, when I want something I work hard and go for it. I was the student in school who went to every class, studied hard for tests and made sure I was going to ace that class no matter what it took. Now without the structure of school and fulfilling those little goals and criteria I had to meet for classes I feel lost and a tad bit purposeless. No one's telling me what to do and I feel like at 23 I should have these things at least somewhat together.
As stressful and agonizing as the situation can be, the other half of me sees a really exciting time. It's a time where nothing is holding me back-- no serious job or serious responsibilities such as kids. I can essentially do whatever I want. The process can either be accepted or denied. Right now I'm accepting the process. Accepting the confusion, the tears and frustration. Accepting the fact I may have to move home for a few months to figure it out. But all along I keep in mind all the many loved ones who support me and take care of me even from miles away and knowing that it's all going to be Ok. It always is.
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